Will you be there?

Have you ever had thoughts in your head and wanted to express them, but couldn't? You don't know how to feel nor do you know what to do. Feeling scared and feeling worried but not sure why?

I don't know why, but I see smiles everywhere and I love it, but I also want to be a part of them more than ever. Typing these words down, but I don't know how I feel. I'm listening to a slow song - not sad but just slow. What does my heart say to me? I hear nothing. What does my mind say to me? There's so much but I can only get nothing from it.

My eyes droop and my body feels tired and hot. What is going on? My mind feels blank and I'm just forcing words out. Am I happy? Am I sad? What am I feeling....?

There's nothing but confusion and not knowing where to go. There's only one that I can pick out from my mind but it's only her face. Other than that, I don't know anything else.

I take a really deep breath and I only have one thing to say. " I'll be there." I have one question for myself though. I'll be there for what? For who? Why will I be there? How will I be there? Is that a sign of hope? Is it a sign of motivation? What am I striving for?

These questions......I have no answer to them. But no matter how or when, I'll be there.

My thoughts are randomized in moments I don't understand how it gets there. I just feel that there is no escape for me. I want to cry, but do not know the reason. I want to laugh, but do not know the reason. I want to scream at the top of my LUNGS!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

AM I A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILER? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW? WHAT ARE MY THOUGHTS SAYING TO ME? WHY IS IT THAT I ONLY HAVE QUESTIONS RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND BUT CANNOT ANSWER THEM?

DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL? IT HURTS! I CAN'T STOP THIS PAIN. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF! WHERE IS MY LIGHT? WHERE IS MY GUIDANCE?

WHAT DO I DO? TELL ME! WHAT. DO. I. DO????? HOW DOES THIS GO AWAY?

DRUGS? no.

VIOLENCE? no.

SELF ENDANGERMENT? no.

CRY? no.

HATRED? no.

It's always time. Why is it always time? Why can I not just stop it myself? WHY??? I'm getting tired of this. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to keep wondering. I don't want to keep dreaming. Doing so just HURTS!

Please.....I'm wearing myself out. I don't know if people care. I don't know if people feel the same. I just need to know....explain to me so I can understand - understand the fact that I can be understood without any regrets, without any strain.

I just want others to be there for me...I'm caving in....Just tell me you'll be there for me...