Will you be there?

Have you ever had thoughts in your head and wanted to express them, but couldn't? You don't know how to feel nor do you know what to do. Feeling scared and feeling worried but not sure why?

I don't know why, but I see smiles everywhere and I love it, but I also want to be a part of them more than ever. Typing these words down, but I don't know how I feel. I'm listening to a slow song - not sad but just slow. What does my heart say to me? I hear nothing. What does my mind say to me? There's so much but I can only get nothing from it.

My eyes droop and my body feels tired and hot. What is going on? My mind feels blank and I'm just forcing words out. Am I happy? Am I sad? What am I feeling....?

There's nothing but confusion and not knowing where to go. There's only one that I can pick out from my mind but it's only her face. Other than that, I don't know anything else.

I take a really deep breath and I only have one thing to say. " I'll be there." I have one question for myself though. I'll be there for what? For who? Why will I be there? How will I be there? Is that a sign of hope? Is it a sign of motivation? What am I striving for?

These questions......I have no answer to them. But no matter how or when, I'll be there.

My thoughts are randomized in moments I don't understand how it gets there. I just feel that there is no escape for me. I want to cry, but do not know the reason. I want to laugh, but do not know the reason. I want to scream at the top of my LUNGS!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

AM I A COMPLETE AND UTTER FAILER? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW? WHAT ARE MY THOUGHTS SAYING TO ME? WHY IS IT THAT I ONLY HAVE QUESTIONS RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND BUT CANNOT ANSWER THEM?

DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL? IT HURTS! I CAN'T STOP THIS PAIN. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND MYSELF! WHERE IS MY LIGHT? WHERE IS MY GUIDANCE?

WHAT DO I DO? TELL ME! WHAT. DO. I. DO????? HOW DOES THIS GO AWAY?

DRUGS? no.

VIOLENCE? no.

SELF ENDANGERMENT? no.

CRY? no.

HATRED? no.

It's always time. Why is it always time? Why can I not just stop it myself? WHY??? I'm getting tired of this. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't want to keep wondering. I don't want to keep dreaming. Doing so just HURTS!

Please.....I'm wearing myself out. I don't know if people care. I don't know if people feel the same. I just need to know....explain to me so I can understand - understand the fact that I can be understood without any regrets, without any strain.

I just want others to be there for me...I'm caving in....Just tell me you'll be there for me...

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Passion, Gladness, Purity

Every little thing you do for me - I thank you. 

I look around myself and see all the great people and love that surrounds me can only make me happier. When I met you, you were the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes upon. Now that we've come together, your creativity, your caress, your personality - you're the most beautiful creation God has ever made. I'm the luckiest person in the world to have you. 

The way you treat me is different from anyone I've met in my lifetime. Your influence on me has only made me a better person, far better than I could ever think I've become. I have come a long way and it's because of you that deserves the credit. You guided me. You tell me things again and again. You even taught me things no one else could do. 

Whenever I stare into your eyes, I can only burst into happiness. When I see your happiness, there is no other feeling I want to have with you. When I see that there is no other feeling YOU want to have with me, I wish I could show the tears of joy inside of me. It is impossible to show you how I really feel about you but if there is a way, I will find it. 

We, more so I, talk about the future so many times and sometimes I close my eyes and wish it were to happen. Just jump to the future and see if it were to be true. I cannot get enough of you. I cannot go one minute without being with you, but of course I have to. Once I see you though, my heart races in so many different speeds. People say that when they are with their significant other, they feel like themselves. They feel normal. When I'm with you, I don't want to feel like myself. I don't feel normal. I am different when I'm with you, to show you that you are special. How I treat everyone, you have to be different. I have to do the things that I would never do or say to anyone else. I want to treat you like you're the world that revolves around me. I do treat you like you're the world. You ARE my world and you are my LIFE. Some day...you'll even be...my wife...

I've never loved someone as much as I loved you and I want to give you everything - my heart, my soul, and even my dreams. The things I want to give are not objects. The things I want to give cannot be physically touched. The things I want to give cannot be made but to already have. These are what I want you to have. 

"When a girl is in a boy's mind, girl can ruin the boy's thinking towards education, cognitive thinking, and even life."

You don't do that. You make we strive for excellence. You make me think better. You've made my life better. God's intention for life is to find happiness. In order to find happiness we have to find love - our true love. I've found mine and I am crazy about her. I feel it in the air. I feel your pretty face touching mine. I feel my fingers running through your hair. This is the road I want to stay on and never go into another direction. 

Everything I do, I do for you. You're my everything. You're my world. You're my life. Thank you. Muahs xD

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Puppy time!

I was trying to play with Missy and she just likes my dad more lols. She would ALWAYS give the ball back to him but for me...well.....hehe..

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College...

I need college money....'nuff said.

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My Mother lols

Soooooo.....I had told you guys that I was going to tell you something about my mama when she stayed home by herself haha

Let me explain to you why she has been staying home alone though. That would be a real big part of this story lols

Well, I'm in college so I don't go home until the end of every week then back to school once the weekend is over. My dad left to my home country because my grandma is sick. Who takes care of the house now? My mom xD

But after what I tell you, I doubt you guys will think she would be the best person to take care of it, but instead kill it haha

I tell my mom that I was going to come home later than I usually do on a Friday. I said about 9.30PM. She was fine with it. Just a little bit before 9PM my nephew calls me and tells me that my mom has been calling all over the place to "look" for me. I was all wtf??? I'm 18....why is she still treating me like a little kid. I really hate that. I told her to never do that again. EVER. She said she won't, but I wonder how long that will last...lols ( I'm a mama's boy but I don't want to be to that extent like the stereotypical mama's boy.)

She was panicking about hearing things in the house and in my mind I was.."The hell....? How old are you?" lols. I told her that I was on her way home and she felt better. I had to tell her to calm down the whole time but she got better.

I come home and she tells me she hears things outside and think people are trying to break into the house to rob and kill her. I was laughing and I asked her why she doesn't just go into her room and lock the door? She says she does. I come to my room and I see the doorknob from her room gone. wtf? I asked her what happened and this is what she told me..

I locked myself out.....Then I realized I left the door keys int he room but I wasn't worried. all of a sudden I heard a noise and I went crazy. I thought a big black guy was going to come kill me! I was going to run outside and drive away but the car keys were int he room too! I didn't know what to do. I took a hammer and a screw driver and smashed the doorknob to open the door.

After I did that, I ran outside and drove to my friend's house.

I didn't know what to say.....I asked her where the doorknob was and so she showed it to me. You know how shoes look like after a dog chews all over it? Well.....That's what the METAL DOORKNOB looked like!!!!!!

I CRACKED UP!!!!! I was laughing soooooooo hard!!!! OH EM GEE!!!!!! I wish I took a picture of the doorknob for ya'll to see....oh man...HAHAHAHHAhahaHaHahaaHaHaHAhaHaHA!!!!!!!!

That made my whole weekend lols. xD Hope you enjoyed what my mom did haha

lols..

Looks like a dog chewed it...

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Sesame Street

You have all seen Sesame Street. We all have. Even if you were just born in the year of 2011, you still have seen it lols. You know what I think Sesame Street is?

This is my theory about Sesame Street. Sesame Street is a gang. Yes. Think about it.

Sesame Street ITSELF looks like the ghetto. I mean, you never see anybody but the characters!

The only time you see humans, it's because they're high off of marijuana. They be smokin' dat weed! The puppets aren't real. The humans are delusional lols

Elmo is a Blood.

Cookie Monster is a Crypt. You know why he eats cookies and can never be full from them? He be eating them hash cookies (Cookies filled with marijuana). Weed makes you super hungry, and of course high xD

Oscar is really just a homeless person who deal drugs. I'm cereal (serious)!!! lols

Big Bird is a Mob Boss. Durhh...

Snuffleupagus, or Snuffles, well.....His name says it all lols. 

In case you don't get it, Snuff is chewing tobacco haha

Look at them....badasses lols

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Happy Times xD

Sorries for not posting things up for a long while. I've had tests I had to study. I wanted to write about how I hate tests and studying but I resisted.

Do you hate it when you study for so long and then when you come to the test, it feels like you studied the wrong stuff? That's exactly how I felt when I was taking my chem test. There were practice exams and I redid the homeworks given, but NOOOOOOOO....The test was TOOOOO different. It was about the OTHER stuff in the book.....Sucks....I totally bombed it. I gotta do better.

My other tests.....were better. I did well on my psychology but I don't know what to say about my other one. I didn't fail it but the grade was horrible. This is what I hate the MOST! You're taking the test and in your mind you're saying, " I am TOTALLY going to ace this! This is sooooo easy!"

I come out with a 77......what....the....eff.....I'll do better next time. It's an interesting subject. Mostly about diseases but not in too much detail to the point it's just super boring and hard to remember. The class is Public Health, by the way.

Well, for today it was fun. I hung with Maki for basically the whole day. We watched videos on youtube for a bit but my lappy (laptop) kept acting up for some reason. I gotta fix that. The screen kept freezing. Argh.....

Then after Maki left, I went out to eat with our friends that were there. We out to eat Pho (Vietnamese Noodle Soup). I'll talk about this delicacy some other time haha. Oh! I still gotta post up pictures of my car. I can't believe I still haven't done that!! The purple underglow.....it's STUPID sick! xD

Then I went home. lols.

 

You guys should remind me to:

- tell you guys about pho noodle soup

- post up pictures of my car, Sophie xD

- and the things done by my mom because she stayed by herself because she was scared lols!

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Smiles

So. I woke up at 6 to go check up on my car. I couldn't see anything because it was still dark out but I called the police. I wasn't mad anymore or anything like that because I was thinking rationally instead out of anger. The cop came and I gave him my report and whatnot. The guy who messed with my car was forced to come out and to explain his side of the story. Everything came out truthfully. Then magically, daylight broke. It was bright enough to check up on my car. She wasn't scratched, hurt, or anything at all. The best relief I've ever had in my whole life......The white kid was freaking out and said that if he gave me 400 bucks, would I drop the whole thing and not have to have insurance be involved. I said yes right away xD. The cop left. He gave me 400 cash and my baby is still in perfect condition! I'm happy :)

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Discretion is Advised

Nigga, how would you like it if I touched your fucking shit? The kind of shit you be caring for like crazy? You'd be okay with it? Now what if I fucked up your shit? Would you be okay with THAT, motherfucker?

Tell me how I come back from eating and find my car keys missing? I go got damn crazy because I fucking SWEAR I left it on my desk. I look around for my shit til my face turns red. My car keys, my house keys, my dorm key, all the crap I need. I run upstairs to my friend's room and see if I left it in her room when I was up there. Motherfuckers weren't there!

This is when the bullshit starts. I go back downstairs all pissed off and some nigga comes and gives me back my keys. You know what he said? You know what the MOTHERFUCKER SAID??

I am so sorry....

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?

I run my Asian ass outside in the pouring rain to check up on my car. That motherfucker touched my fucking car!! Oh HELL NAH. That piece of shit didn't do it. No. I must have dropped my keys outside. 

What explained the reason that my car was parked in a different parking space? No....That bitch didn't touch my car. I must have parked it there. Yeah. What was I thinking?

I run back in side mad as shit. I was so fucking furious. I asked him if he touched my got damn car. I was stuttering like crazy. Y-y-y-you didn't touch m-m-my-my car right? 

Y-y-yes...

WRONG FUCKING ANSWER!!

Oh my shitting dslkfjsd;lkfj. I was going to BEAT THAT MOTHERFUCKER DOWN TO THE GROUND! 

I stopped though. Why? I remembered when he apologized to me. 

I froze.

No....no...NOooooOOo!!!!!

Not only did he touch my fucking car, he DID SOMETHING TO IT?!?!

I ran my ass out there again and checked everywhere. I couldn't see anything because of the rain.

Maki called and I was mad. I was too pissed. I didn't say anything to her about it. I'll tell her if the nigga gets lucky and still lives.

 I forced myself to be calm and asked him what the FUCK he did with my car. He said he wanted to go for a spin with it. WTF?? In the FUCKING POURING RAIN? Not only that, he didn't even ASK ME?!? 

He said he hydroplaned and thinks he scraped the side of my car from a pole. 

I was going to kick his fucking ass if it wasn't for my homeboy. You know when I'm fucking mad when 3 people could barely hold me back. That nigga wasn't going to live. He was going to fucking die.

Tomorrow morning. If I see ONE scratch. ONE FUCKING scratch! His ass with be part of the pavement. 

I calmed myself down enough to just tell him to NEVER touch my car again. My fists...dls;kfjsd;lkjfsd;jlkfdsj;lksdfal;jkfdlj;k. I'MGOINGTOFUCKINGKILLYOUMOTHERFUCKINGASSTWITSHITHOESKANKMOTHERFUCKERYOUWILLFUCKINGDIEBITCHASSNIGGAWHOTHINKSHEISTHESHITUNTILAFUCKINGGHETTOASSASIANCOMESINTOYOURFACEWITHTHEWORSEGOTDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGFACEFUCKINGSKF;KGWU;G;LGSLH;  

 

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